the thing I hate of growing up is

I know how to "fear."

It's good sometimes, keep me away from being selfish.
i.e. not to put my hand in the fire so my mom wouldn't faint.

Most of the time, I hate it.
I hate I am paralyzed because of it.

I hate it’s telling me what I cannot make it
while my conscience is telling me I can achieve great things if I just do it.

When I have the urge just to start the business,
be a serious investor,
and write a story,
my fear kicks in telling me:
"What if people laugh at you?"
"Don’t you think it’s too late?"
“You can’t afford to lose.”

I just want to confront it and yell
"shut up! I will succeed. And you are not gonna stop me this time!"

why we always try to rescue?

Why apologize when it's not even your fault?
"I am sorry."
I realize, yes we do say it a lot; we, the women.

Are we saying it just to make the other person feel better?
When someone apologizes, we are always eager to say, "no, no, no, it's not your fault...." "i am sorry, too."
What for?

Why are we always trying to rescue?
When a friend said, "I am cold." we said, "do you want me to turn the AC down a little?" "Do you need my jacket?"
Similar things happen over and over; i don't write more because it's countless that i don't even remember.
But it happens to me when someone said that to me, or I said that to someone.

Men are not like that.
First, they don't tell you they're cold. they go to adjust the AC themselves.
Second, they don't offer any comfort or jacket. They probably would ignore it sine they don't know how to respond.

But, why are we trying?
Apologize: offer solutions, “is there anything I can help?”
Rescue: offer solutions, “you don’t have to do it.”
Just to patronize one and another? To prove that we are in control?

我不要當遊星325的國王

昨天晚上婆婆跟我們說
明天哥哥的前妻要來家住一個晚上

第一個反應是不太高興
這是我跟寶貝的家啊!
事後才被"告知"的感覺真不好
若婆婆答應人家前先跟我們講一聲　我們還是會答應的嘛

靜下想想
婆婆本身就是個重情義的人
她和前大嫂的關係不錯　加上對方帶著自己唯一的孫女
我了解她是覺得是能夠幫忙就幫忙

如果前大嫂提出要求時她還說 "啊　妳等等　我去問問可不可以"
必定很傷對方的心

我站在自己的立場只是單純地想保有一些自主權
反站在婆婆與前大嫂的立場　那是一份情誼與雪中送炭的精神

今早突然想起"小王子"裡遊星325的國王
他覺得每件事情都必須在他的命令下才可發生
像是太陽升起與降下下山、花朵綻放與枯萎
不過就算他不允許 世界還是這樣地運作呀

人之常情就像自然常規
就算不喜歡或不情願 我能夠試著體諒與學習
才不要這樣似是而非的控制權呢

千禧年之前的故事

二十七年前　我在紐約皇后區出生
春光明媚的四月底　那天特別炎熱
同年八月　爸爸帶著全家回台灣擔任教職
這是我不曾有過的記憶　卻是我生命的起點　

我是台北長大的小孩
幼稚園下課　捏著五塊錢站在陽台等著賣臭豆腐的阿伯經過
小學放學走路隊跟著姊妹淘與男生互相鬥嘴
國中狂迷高橋留美子的漫畫與惠妮休斯頓的音樂
高中同學在享受甜蜜十六歲時我只知道四點半準時到家

以為生命會在完成大學聯考之後結束　沒想到止不過剛完成了暖身

民生東路上的四年真正熟悉了這個城市街道的棋盤佈局
學業上不是低空飛過就是跟著學弟妹重修
了解到原來有了男朋友不代表就是懂了愛
爸媽把妳捧在手心上無怨無悔
而妳(以為)愛的那個人卻任意地把妳的尊嚴踩在腳下

在大四最黑暗最不知所錯的那段時期
爸爸的一句當頭棒喝讓我正視自己的未來

我決定來美國

二十三年的第一次離家自力更生
是在太平洋的另一端
新的一章從此開啟

現在回頭看　曾經的喜怒哀樂都已雲淡風輕
唯一留下的證據就是自己
我成為了自己一連串選擇下的成品
繼續地與外面的世界溝通
繼續地挖掘內在的世界

我的Pucca離開我了

沒有任何聲音　沒有任何訊息
我甚至不知道是什麼時候

星期一早上抓起手機時不經意地瞄到
掛在天線頭上一搖一晃的
只剩下原本她繫著的紅繩子與鑲有”PUCCA”的金色名牌

或許我早該在她上次的鬆落就警覺到
那是她要離開前最後傳遞給我的訊號
我們小小的緣分是起於2002年底的台北車站前
終止於2005 年四月的加州

儘管有點小失落
不過我也尊重她的選擇
相信無論在哪裡　她都會幸福與快樂

從那三千萬談起

一位慈善家捐了三千萬美元給寶貝唸的MBA學校
這筆錢是建校以來單人捐款最高的金額 無疑成了最近學校與地方新聞的熱門話題

為了感謝這份慷慨 商學院從此會以這位慈善家命名
今天我們共襄盛舉了這場命名典禮

除了覺得這位先生的貢獻很了不起外
當然私心還是會小小地想一下: "如果我有三千萬元..."
但是反過來想想 我有這樣的想法 表示我還不夠資格擁有這樣的富裕
正因為保羅先生已經沒有這樣的私心　他才夠資格擁有這樣的財產

很多事情都是這樣吧　名望也好、自由也好
越有慾望想得到某樣東西越是覺得追求得很辛苦
當真正擁有的時候反到澹然了

love and betryal, turth and forgiveness

if you love someone, why would you lie to the person?
If you betray your love, when would you be honest to the person?

If love is about truth, what would you do after knowing the truth?
The truth might be brutal, the truth might be cruel, and what would you do?

Dan wanted the "truth," but he never knew how to deal after getting the truth. Ironically, even he thought he knew everything, at the end, he realized he never knew her real name.

"Have you ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist covered in blood"
... the movie "Closer"